


Bill & Ted's Spectacular Middle Aged Date Night

by Syntheticpalindromes



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Face-Sitting, M/M, Old Dudes in Love, Post Bill and Ted Face The Music, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:54:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27047542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Syntheticpalindromes/pseuds/Syntheticpalindromes
Summary: Billie spoke to their dad as sincerely and softly as they could. Like he would when they were little, “Pop, nothing you could say to Bill could be unreal. He gets you. You get him. It’s a mutual getting.” They nudged their shoulder against their dad’s, “I’ll help you draft the text if you want, dude?”So, with Ted’s battered phone between them, they pooled together all the romantic cells in their bodies and drafted a text to Bill. Billie didn’t comment on the fact that the entire time their dad’s hand were sweating so hard that it left a wet smear against the case of his phone and when they took the phone out his hand to read it out loud, Ted physically winced as he too noticed how damp his phone was.---Ted asks Bill on an old man date. It's been long past due.
Relationships: Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Comments: 40
Kudos: 120





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hi i'm very new to bnt shit because despite the fact im a big dopey transmasc and bnt is totally my vibe....ig i just never got into them! but now i am. and i also am into old men. so bnt3 is totally my bag. 
> 
> hope you guys enjoy this though, i went from writing about gay cowboys in 1899 to this so forgive me if ive forgotten how 21st century romance works a little. oh also read this with the idea that bill n ted are already in love they just like...dont talk about it. also thea is a lesbian and billie is nb.

There was an open can of peas (store brand, not big brand) sat on the table, on the incredibly twee table cloth that they had, in front of their father as Billie rounded the corner to their kitchen, and with their hands on their father’s shoulders as soon as they were close enough, Billie murmured, “You’ve been trés mopey recently parental unit, you all good? You are aware that in front of you is a can of peas and not a totally righteous piece of art from that gallery that you and uncle Bill went to and, I quote, ‘didn’t get’.”

The shake of Ted’s shoulders were enough to signify that he had barely any idea that his child was behind him, “Oh, shit. Sorry. Got distracted...Thought I’d make dinner.” His voice was about as convincing as the intense but far away way he was staring at the can of peas. Billie hummed, unconvinced entirely and as they made their way in front of him and the flamingo pink table cloth in front of the both of them, they added, 

“You need help?” 

It wasn’t particularly surprising that Billie’s mother was the better cook of the two of their parents, Ted well versed in the microwave but it was their mom who could turn ingredients into something of worth. It hadn’t been quite the same since she’d moved away with her sister to Italy because it supposedly reminded her of home. Mid century American architecture as it turned out was as far away from 15th century buildings as you could get. But ever since Billie had watched their mother get in a cab with all the belongings she could pack, having kissed Ted on the mouth and said something inaudible to them, their dad had been struggling to cope. Just a little. 

Or. Well. Perhaps a lot. 

Billie took the can out of his hands, watching the way his fingers pried off of it and said gently, “You can tell me if you’re lonely, you know that don’t you, Pop Most High?” To which Ted just sniggered and shrugged a little. A sad movement that took his shoulders with it, and with a relenting look in his eyes he allowed Billie to potter around the kitchen, making the both of them dinner which wouldn’t just consist of canned petit pois. 

It was quiet in the kitchen. For around ten minutes or so. Ted watching Billie pick up pans and turn the dial on the hob, and what frothed inside of him as he watched them felt like something he’d never quite had to experience. Like being cut through with something cold because he _missed_ Lizzie, and of course Billie had to look like her, if only a little bit. Mostly they just looked like themself. Which at least set his shoulders a little straighter and his head to stop spinning at the clawing sensation of losing someone, but the creeping feeling of sadness still snuck it’s way up his spine all the same, uninvited. It made him lick his lips and speak more honestly than he had in a long time about his wife. 

Ex wife. 

_Lizzie._

“Strange without her. Most strange. The house feels kinda empty without her.” Then he paused before following with, “Kind of glad she taught me to use the dryer properly before she left though. There are some most heinous settings that have always left me stumped and scratching my head.”

“Dad, you’re such a man.” Their tone was fond as they stirred something in a pot.

Ted’s voice was just as fond as he replied, “And you’re such a creature, point?”

With a wave of the spoon in their hand Billie said, “Thank you for respecting my most neutral of genders, Pops. Now, it’s been like...Five months, do you wanna cheer up a bit?” 

The look that Ted gave them was borderline pathetic, “My wife left me because I’m a bad husband, Bills” 

“You’re not a _bad_ husband, you’re just…” Billie huffed, trying to find the words to set it right, “Mom loves you. So much. But you’re not right for each other, and from my perspective as the child of this household, having a mom and a dad who kind of don’t fit _sucked_ , so…”

Ted groaned, tucking his fingers into his hairline like he would when he was feeling _most_ stressed and definitely _not_ having a rad time with his feelings, “I’ve been with Lizzie for like...My whole life! I’m gonna end up cyber-dating at this rate because I don’t know how to date anymore. I mean, I never did. I sort of just...Was shoved a super hot chick my way when I was in highschool and that was that.”

Billie’s nose wrinkled, “Ew, cyber-dating? Just say internet dating.”

“E-dating.”

“Dad, please shut up.” 

\---

They ended up sprawled on the couch, eating pasta (which was most excellent if Ted did say, compliments to the chef) and drinking beers (Ted’s non-alcoholic) while Billie’s genius twenty four year old fingers sped across the keyboard of their laptop. Setting up Ted his own CoolCupid dating profile. The deftness of their typing actually making Ted a little bit woozy, but maybe that was just from the stress of your child trying to help with your failing love life at age fifty.

Billie cleared their throat, sitting up in their seat a little higher as they raised a fork of pasta towards their mouth and through their chewing they said, “Okay, so...Describe yourself.” Which had Ted grimacing, half at the chewed pasta in their mouth which he could quite clearly see but also at the fact he didn’t realise this whole bit was going to get this far. 

“Old?” Ted grimaced even harder at his own admission of age, “Stuck in the late 80’s early 90’s? Totally useless at using the household appliances in my own home.” 

“Dude, stop it. I’m just gonna put, ‘A cool down to earth dude who loves music, 80’s movies and rocking out with my bestest pal in the world, Bill!’.” 

The mention of Bill had Ted smiling and Billie watched that look slip across their father’s face, only to fall and slide straight off as he muttered, “Wonder how Bill’s doing without Jo...Maybe we should have invited him and your cousin for dinner.” His thumbnail found its way into his mouth as it often did when he was worrying and Billie had to forcibly pull it away from his teeth, raising his fork full of food back to his mouth to preoccupy him and hopefully distract him from thinking about the fact that the both of them were now in the process of becoming divorcees. 

They ended up whizzing through most of the categories on the site after that, stuffing pasta into their mouth as Ted, looking a little glum still, tried to peer over their shoulder. But Billie just angled the laptop away and tutted as if this was some sort of big surprise that they didn’t want their dad ruining the ending for himself. Like Blind Date. As if there was going to be a perfect person already lined up at the end of the process. Just behind the next door.

So far, Ted was surprised that it was going so well. 

Billie had only made five Charlie Kelly dating profile jokes so far. Although two of which were just them repeating the ghouls line because they found it _so_ hilarious. 

Ted found it pretty funny himself honestly.

“Okay, describe your perfect person, dearest papa.” Billie tapped their fingers in a rhythm against the keyboard as they waited for their father’s answer, a manic grin across their face as if something was working the cogs in their brain, which usually grinded a little even on the best of days. 

Ted hummed, “Someone who I can vibe with. Who doesn’t mind getting dopey with me and actually finds me funny, because I think I’m super funny.” 

“You’re so funny, dad.”

“Thanks.” He rubbed at his chin, then nodded his head in what would often be described by the kids as the, “Patented Ted Move™”. “Someone that thinks Metallica are hack frauds, obviously. A musician is always hot, but maybe not someone who can play better than me. Someone who doesn’t mind that I like to turn up to shows way before doors open to get a good spot too. Oh, and someone who doesn’t ask questions the whole time you’re watching a film.” 

Billie’s eyebrows were halfway up their forehead by the time Ted paused for breath, “You’ve thought about this.”

“Billie..”

“Go on!” 

“Uh. let’s see. I guess...I guess I just want someone fun and cool and totally awesome that I can waste the rest of my life with...Oh, and i’ve always kind of liked blondes. Preferably shorter than me so we have a totally cool shelf thing going on where I can reach the top shelves and they can reach the bottom ones, and it also means I don’t have to bend down too far because my back hurts sometimes.” 

Ted hadn’t realised Billie had stopped typing until he finally stopped talking, plate (scraped clean of pasta sauce with his bare fingers) now pushed to the side as he caught a full glance of how they were looking at him, and for a moment he felt his blood freeze because it was a look that their mother would give him when she was just about to say something to get right into his head. Because, unfortunately for him, having a wife for decades and decades meant that usually she was pretty darn aware of when you were being an asshole. Or being a sweetheart. 

Ted couldn’t work out which one he was being at that moment though. 

The laptop sagged a little in Billie’s lap as they laughed a single surprised laugh and said, “Father, you do know you’re just describing Uncle Bill?” 

Ted’s returning snort was indignant, “What? No I’m not. It’s my ideal person to date?”

Billie’s laughter had crescendoed into something that reminded Ted far too much of himself when he was their age and Bill had done something dopey again to make him giggle, their teeth bared and eyes crinkles as it tumbled out of them uncontrollably and Ted had to shove at their thighs as their legs wriggled around, grumbling with absolutely no malice at all, “It’s not Uncle Bill, it’s just what I like!” To which Billie’s eyebrows climbed even higher, a seemingly amazing feat considering how high they already were, and Ted’s own face fell just as far as his child’s shot up, “Were you just trying to prove a point?” 

Billie grinned, “I wasn’t before, _but now I am_!” 

Ted was fully aware that it wasn’t a new thing for Billie and Thea to drop hints for way longer than necessary that their dads were, “Like, total soul mates”. Despite the fact they felt bad for saying it when their mothers were still in the picture. 

But now, their moms were gone. 

And anyhow, it was true. They _were_ soul mates. 

Billie always fondly remembered the time that Thea had texted them and told them that Bill had been drinking those tiny, weenie cans of cocktails that you bought at the store for pre-drinks. But apparently Uncle Bill would just sit on his recliner and drink even when he wasn’t going anywhere. He just liked that they were, “Totally easy to down in a couple gulps”.

As Thea found though, when he got into those perfect little cans of Pornstar Martinis that he also got pretty open. In turn, he once, with a cluster of tears in his eyes and very rosy cheeks, had admitted that he and Ted had kissed, “A bunch of times in high school”. Supposedly this was before their moms, although Thea didn’t think that was entirely true. But said kisses were apparently very much between pals, and it had actually upset Thea and Billie a little bit to hear that Bill had described it as merely, “Kisses between bros”. And, “Didn’t all bros do that?”

Billie’s hand was warm and soft on Ted’s forearm as they placed it down, ducking their head and trying to get a good look into their dad’s eyes to show that they weren’t laughing anymore, “If you want to date Bill...That’d be cool.” 

The nervousness that flashed across Ted’s face was very apparent, and he shot that nervousness towards the laptop where his dating profile was sat, glaring at him, “But—All your hard work—The selfies I took—” 

“Father, forget the selfies. You’ve just had a most joyous epiphany which I totally was hoping you’d had one day.” 

Ted’s lower lip was let go from where he was chewing at it moments before, making him look less fifty and more twelve as he semi pouted, “Oh. I see.” 

The realisation managed to settle into Ted of what he’d done after perhaps an hour. After the laptop had been shut, cast away to the side to save either of them from looking at the dating profile, and they’d simply been lying around watching TV. _Calm down time._ And so, when he stood to go and have an existential crisis and scattered not only a handful of popcorn that they’d been snacking on but also his phone across the floor, Billie leaned their head from where it was perched on their hand and gave him a look. They finished the look by clucking their tongue against the roof of their mouth and saying softly, “Go to bed, Daddio. I’ll tidy up our general Logan mess, ‘kay?” 

It was always little gestures with them, Ted found. Something that reminded him of Bill, weirdly. Billie was always ready to tidy up or feed the cat or bring their father a gallon of ice cream when his wife left him to move to Europe and eat shitty Italian food when she could have eaten take out Chinese food every Saturday night without fail. 

Billie was his life. They always had been. 

But before that, there was Bill. 

He tugged on their hand as they walked past, plates clutched in their grasp and they happily leaned down for Ted to press a kiss to their forehead, Billie never too old to be doted on by their father. 

“Thanks, kiddo.” Ted’s throat stuck as he said it and Billie just smiled in response, patting him on the head as they moved into the kitchen.

\---

Ted took a second look at himself, this time from the side, as he stood slouched in front of his bedroom mirror. Soft Black Sabbath t-shirt stretched across his chest where he had outgrown it a touch as the years had passed. His designated ‘sleep boxers’, thusly titled so because they were the softest on his ass when he slept and Bill and him had decided that butt comfort was _very_ important during sleep, were already on even though it was only ten o’clock. 

_Man, he was getting old._

He touched a hand down himself, brushing over the soft swell of his stomach and he sucked in a moment, only to let it out and pull a face because he couldn’t quite get the picture of Bill’s abs out of his head sometimes when he did this, even though he’d been told many, many times by the kids, dad bods _were_ in.

Lizzie used to say so too. 

The sigh left him before he could stop it, and when Billie spoke up behind him at his gentle breathy noise it made him jump a little more than he would have liked, “You good, Pop?” 

“Jeez, scare the shit out of your dad.” He crossed his arms, mostly out of the sudden onslaught of shyness to be found stood in front of his mirror gazing at himself. Though that was soon rectified by Billie making their way up behind their dad, already in their pjs too and Ted had to shove down the swell of nostalgia at the fact they were wearing pyjamas that they’d probably had since they were about fourteen. The stinging prickle of tears threatening the corners of his eyes at the sight of them looking so young, and as they wound their arms around his middle and patted his tummy, he grabbed a hold of their hands and squeezed them right back. 

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you” Billie cooed into their dad’s shoulder, “By my calculations and observations, it doesn’t seem as though your mopes have been alleviated by my totally rad idea of taking Uncle Bill out and professing your love for him.” 

Ted groaned, “Bills, slow your roll a little there.”

“Okay, okay. We’ll wait till the second date for love confessions.”

Billie could feel the way that Ted stiffened against them, tensing up where they had their cheek pressed into the soft, clean laundry smelling swell of his shoulder blade, and it hurt them a little bit. Hurt them to know that both of them probably knew this was going to happen one day, but they didn’t expect it to take the entire twenty four years they’d known their dad to come out. They drummed their hands softly against their Dad’s chest, just like how he’d pat his hands against their fat little thighs when they were a kid and were practically shitting their pants at the idea of going into 1st grade or their first ballet recital. The snuffle of a laugh working its way out of his throat at the feeling of it, a sound which folded in on itself as Billie said gently, 

“You’re a good dad, dad. And you’re a most loving dude. Don’t let the fact you couldn’t love mom right get to you, I know you have the ability to love properly inside you.” They lifted their head a little, just enough to fix their dad with a look in the mirror in front of the both of them, “Like, you love me so hard that I’ve never done a thing wrong in my life and I’m perfect.” 

The grin that wormed its way onto Ted’s face was genuine as he replied, “That _is_ true.” And with his right hand he reached back to pat them on the head, “Love you Lil’ Bill.”

“Love you too Big Ted.” 

Ted watched their eyes flicker away from his own for a second and when they returned they were huge and almost pleading as Billie almost whispered, “But, you know that you’ve been in love with Uncle Bill since you were kids, _don’t you?_ ” 

Ted was quiet. 

Answering only when the silence between them became too much.

“I—I guess so.”

A film was put on to cheer the both of them up, and Ted’s own brand “mopes”, as Billie described them, did begin to alleviate the more that Billie also began to get out their funk about their pop’s feelings. It really was a vicious circle when either of them got upset because of how intuned they were, such was life when you shared a single brain cell between the two of you though. But as Billie often said, any kind of sadness could be cured by a rewatch of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off while lounging in Ted’s bed with the cat stretched across the foot of it. 

While Ted was distracted by Ferris’ music number (something that Billie often made fun of because c’mon? A crush on Ferris Bueller? So original, dad...) Billie whipped out their phone, sending Thea a couple of texts.

 **B:** pop is gonna text ur dad in probably like 15 mins when hes stopped shitting his pants and hes gonna ask him on a date 

To which Thea sent back a heaping of party popper emojis. 

**T:** what plan did u got with? the one we planned where u sat and looked deeply into his eyes and told him hes in love with dad or the one where you showed him the pie chart  
**B:** i did like that pie chart  
**T:** it was a most excellent pie chart dude   
**B:** actually tho he brought up “cyber dating” and i basically got him to admit via a cunning system of talking about his perfect person to date that he has a big fat gay crush on ur dad  
**T:** siiiick, the rat fell for his own cheese  
**B:** is that a saying?  
**T:** idk maybe  
**T:** man im excited!! this is the best thing to happen since mom said i could stay at urs for the weekend and we mixed every monster flavour together 

The conversation ended with a wealth of guitar emojis being sent between the two of them. 

Ted didn’t take his eyes off the TV screen as he murmured, “I can tell you’re texting Thea. You go into a trance-like state and type even faster than you usually do.” 

Billie grinned, “You gonna text Bill?” 

“You know, back in my day we’d use the home phone to call up someone and ask them on a date that way, little dude.” 

“Well, why don’t you do that.”

Ted went a little paler than he was a second before, “No. Then he’ll, like—hear how nervous I am...”

“ _Why_ are you nervous, you’ve been practically dating for like...all your lives!” 

Ted grumbled, “It’s the principle, child of mind.” The sullenness of his eyes turned into seriousness suddenly, “I just want it to seem—I don’t know—I want it to seem _real_. So he knows that I do want it.” 

Billie spoke to their dad as sincerely and softly as they could. Like he would when they were little, “Pop, nothing you could say to Bill could be unreal. He gets you. You get him. It’s a mutual getting.” They nudged their shoulder against their dad’s, “I’ll help you draft the text if you want, dude?” 

So, with Ted’s battered phone between them, they pooled together all the romantic cells in their bodies and drafted a text to Bill. Billie didn’t comment on the fact that the entire time their dad’s hand were sweating so hard that it left a wet smear against the case of his phone and when they took the phone out his hand to read it out loud, Ted physically winced as he too noticed how damp his phone was. 

Billie cleared their throat, “‘Hey, best pal. Would you do me the honour of joining me on a date? An action that would make me most happy, and I think would make you most happy too.’” Billie hummed, glancing away from the phone and remarked, “I think we should put a little love heart emoji at the end.” 

“You sure.” Ted looked incredibly unconvinced, though deep down he was a hearts emoji guy. Billie knew that. Whenever he’d text them to come home safe after they’d been out with Thea, he’d sent about five different ones. 

“Yes!” 

So the heart was placed at the very end, a nice suffix to round off the text that would either make Bill weak at the knees (unlikely) or make him run screaming (even more unlikely). Then the text was sent. One little press of a button on Ted’s phone and he was about to make the biggest romantic move of his life. Well. Aside from maybe getting married and having a baby. 

But still. 

Billie’s phone vibrated before Ted’s did. 

**T:** DAD IS SMILING SO BIG!!!!

Billie whipped the phone’s screen towards Ted, faster than his eyes could focus and he debated getting out his reading glasses and Billie almost couldn’t take it when he held the phone at parental, over forty, arms length to be able to see it. But then he was smiling. Wider than he had in months since Lizzie left. The highs of his cheeks going red all the way to the tips of his ears and when his own phone _dinged_ (because he was old and couldn’t have his phone on silent like his kid), Billie snatched it up so quickly he barely knew what was going on. 

Billie read the text out loud, their glee almost uncontainable, “‘I would love to join you on a date, my most esteemed Ted.’” The phone was passed back to Ted, just in time for another text to spring forth on the screen. One that Ted didn’t read out loud. 

**Bill:** I thought you’d never ask 

Billie’s excitement came to a head with them muttering to themself, “Two dads. Two dads. Two dads.” Ted having to touch their shoulder to get their attention back on the world around them. 

“Okay, okay. Chill out.” But the dopey smile stretched across his face gave away the fact that he was far from chill himself and Billie reached across to ruffle their dads hair. 

“You little scamp! See! It’s not too hard to date your life long friend.” 

Ted’s nose wrinkled indignantly, “You threw up when your boyfriend said they liked you.” 

“Hm. I’m going to bed then since you’re gonna be a loser and point out my not so cool moments.” They beamed at their dad all the same though, leaning down from where they’d sprang themself out of his bed to kiss his forehead, “Sleep well, pops. Dream of manlet blonde dudes.” And with that they were gone, taking the cat with them. 

Ted waited enough time to know for sure that Billie had left and wasn’t just peering at him around the corner like they did when they knew he’d found a new monkey video to watch and laugh at so hard tears gathered at the corners of his eyes. He pulled his phone closer to his face, lying on his side in bed as the phone illuminated him in the semi darkness, the only other light coming from the soft glow of the film playing on in the background, 

**Ted:** Sorry it took a few decades  
**Bill:** It’s ok! I’m just happy it’s happening 

A moment passed. 

**Bill:** I told Jo and she’s very happy for us but told me it’s like...Totally early in Italy and she needs coffee before I tell her we’re finally dating   
**Ted:** Did she really say ‘finally’?  
**Bill:** She did   
**Ted:** We’re dopes, huh  
**Bill:** Maybe  
**Ted:** I didn’t realise it'd be so easy to just...Ask you. Guess I just always thought it’d be a lot harder because I’d worked it up in my head  
**Bill:** We were married, man. Can’t just date anyone you know   
**Ted:** Mm. That’d be most heinous to them…  
**Bill:** You know that the kids are gonna be on their high horses for ages about this?   
**Ted:** Oh, totally  
**Bill:** Thea asked me if she could call you ‘pop’ too. Immediately. They’ve been planning this for years. I wouldn’t be surprised if the princesses were in on it too  
**Ted:** Oh. She can call me pop if she wants :)  
**Bill:** Ted Theodore Logan you’re making me feel kind of like a stupid kid again, don’t say shit like that so easy  
**Ted:** I’m just saying, dude!

When Ted texted again, his eyes were heavy but still crinkled at the corners as he tried and failed to keep the curling smile off of his face.

 **Ted:** I didn’t actually think of a date idea before I texted you though...Wing it?  
**Bill:** Wing it  
**Ted:** Night dude   
**Bill:** Night Ted  
**Ted:** Is it weird for grown men to send a bunch of heart emojis?   
**Bill:** You send me heart emojis all the time anyway   
**Ted:** I know! But!! Now it feels different is all  
**Bill:** It’s not weird at all. Shoot em at me, dude!! 

Which, of course, Ted did. Then flipped over onto his conversation window with Billie.

 **father man:** Thanks child creature, love you 

Billie simply sent back a sunglasses smile emoji. 

\---

Considering Bill’s wardrobe mostly consisted of t-shirts, t-shirts and more t-shirts, finding an appropriate date outfit was going relatively well. Thea holding out variously patterned shirts like her best impression of a fancy dressing room clerk in front of her dad, asking every once in a while in a British accent, “Is this up to your liking, sir?” And Bill would either shrug or pull a face or hum in a happy way that suggested that he was considering it. 

Halfway through sniffing a plaid shirt to see if it was one they’d found on the floor or in the wardrobe, Thea asked as casually as she could, face still half in the material, “Hey dad, you are—you know—” She flapped her wrist “—Right?” 

Bill blinked, a threadbare The Doors shirts clasped in his hands, “Uh…Does that still mean gay?” 

“Yes. Yes. A gay.” 

Bill sniggered quietly, “Then, yeah. I guess I am—You know—” He flapped his wrist too. 

The gesture sending Thea into a state of wild abandon that had her father having to physically hold her shoulders and stop her rocking slightly, which wasn’t helped by Bill asking, quite sincerely, “So, like, what’s the ASL for lesbian then?” 

“Father, a wrist flap is not ASL….Do _not_ try and use it as ASL.”

“Oh.” Bill looked rather disappointed. 

Thea, deciding that dressing her father was far too boring now, had started to try on Bill’s clothes and as she twirled in front of the mirror and struck poses she asked, “What are you two even doing on this date, have you decided?” She pulled on a pair of balloon pants that Bill had a whole fit over at point trying to convince her and her mom that they _were_ fashionable in the 90’s, and when she glanced at her dad he was looking particularly dreamy-eyed. 

“Ted did text me and said he had an idea...He is being muy, _muy_ secretive though. I think he wants to surprise me because he’s forgotten I don’t give a shit what we do.” Bill couldn’t help the grin that stumbled its way across his face, the thought of Ted wanting to impress him with a stupid date making his chest go a little tight, “It’s, uh—it’s actually kinda sweet.”

Thea popped her lips, “So, you’re not wigging then?”

“No.” Bill paused, then added, “I don’t think I am?”

Thea grinned, eyebrows shooting up in a suspiciously similar way to the way her cousin’s often did, “You feeling good then? Feeling funky?” They shuffled ever closer to their dad and when they were close enough to crawl their fingers like tiny, freakish spiders up his arms they grabbed a hold of his biceps. Squeezing until he tutted, still smiling though, as Thea murmured, “Are you…Feeling loved?”

A thicket of blush crept across Bill’s face and wound its way around his neck as he mumbled bashfully, “Maybe? It feels...Natural.” 

Thea nodded sagely, “Ah. Feels good. Feels organic.” And with that she was letting go of her vice like grip on her dad’s arms and flinging her arms around his neck, hanging off him like she was four not twenty four, though the sweetness of her look filtered into a devious smile when Bill pointed out helpfully, 

“You’re just happy because if I’m out with Uncle Ted than your girlfriend can come round.” 

His daughter grinned, “We’re gonna do it on your bed.” 

“Theadora—”

“Kidding!”

“I was twenty four once, you’re not kidding.”

“Yeah! You were!” Thea jabbed a finger into Bill’s face, “Twenty four and in love with pop!” 

Bill pulled a face, “You’re already using that nickname for him?”

“It’s something I’ve been weighing up for a while. Rolling it around the old noggin.” She rapped her knuckles against her head, “Seeing what fits him the best.”

“Do not tell your mom that.”

“Already did, she thinks it’s cool. Suck it.” 

The pants that were chosen for Bill to wear on what was being dubbed as “Bill & Ted’s Spectacular Date” passed all tests, which included Thea having Bill squat in them and do jumping jacks, and Bill turned a little to study himself from all sides. The rest of the outfit so far wasn’t too outlandish, and as Thea put it, it was very _him._ Slouchy jeans, which Thea had artfully ripped at the knees because apparently her dad had thrown out all of his ripped jeans when he’d also thrown out all of his Limp Bizkit CDs somewhere in the mid 2000s. Something that Thea thought was incredibly stupid, Rollin’ was a _classic_ for any age. 

Bill picked at the frayed edges of the cuts at his knees, “I did actually like those jeans. You know. The way that they were.”

Thea’s eyes rolled in their sockets, “Grow up, dude. I’ve seen the photos of you when you were my age, you wore shit like this all the time. You were sexy. Show some skin! Get your ass out! Make Ted wonder what all the fuss is about!” 

“Thea, don’t embarrass me, man…”

The final touch was the perfect shirt, which ended up being a soft, blue plaid one. Sleeves long and wide enough that they could be rolled up (“If you want to show your arms off to Ted!”) and cotton-y enough that it’d keep him warm if they stayed out too long (“Or if Ted wanted to grab a hold of you it’d be soft against his hands and—).

Bill hesitated, “Buttoned or unbuttoned?” 

Thea hummed, debating the matter, “Buttoned it a little too Puritan...But if it _is_ buttoned to begin with then you could pop a button at some point and lean back in your seat and draw attention to your neck and then he could—” 

“Babe, I just need to know how to have my shirt. Not how to...Flirt.” 

Thea scoffed, “Fine. Unbutton a few buttons at the top, just enough to show your t-shirts logo.” 

The nerves obviously hadn’t quite filtered their way out of Bill just yet though, and he almost stammered as he awkwardly asked, voice quieter than it was before, “Do I—Uh—Do I look good? Still. I mean. Do I look...Sexy still?” He sounded so reticent, hands pulled tight around the fabric of the hem of the shirt and Thea had to almost shriek her response because she was so confounded that her dad would even begin to ask that question. 

“Dad! You’re so handsome! You’re amazing, dude!” She flung her hands towards him as if to say, ‘Look! Look at you!’ Her eyes wide and borderline frantic, “I can’t think of anyone more handsome than you? Literally everyone in my class had a crush on you...Or Ted. You were very popular with teenage girls.” Bill looked a little disgusted, “Yeah. Gross. I know. But I mean it. Ted’s gonna think you look so good.”

Bill’s shoulders sagged, and he sighed out through his nose, “I love you too but, I really am shitting my pants.” 

“Why? It’s just Ted! You see him every day. Literally. I don’t think there’s been a day that you haven’t seen him since probably like...2nd grade!”

“1st grade. We met in 1st grade.” 

“See? It's just another day with Ted, the only difference is you’re gonna go on a date and do...Whatever is it you end up doing.” 

Bill’s forever chewed nail ascended into his mouth and he gnawed at it nervously, “Mm. I’m sure we’ll figure that out on the way.”

Thea’s eyes softened, “Maybe that’s the trick in general.” 

“What do you mean?” Bill’s hands had left the bottom of his shirt and instead opted for digging into the pockets of his jeans. 

“Just...Figure it out on the way, man.”

Bill snorted a laugh, patting a hand on Thea’s shoulder, “You been spending time with Socrates?” Which made Thea roll her eyes once more. 

As a perfect cusp to the conversation, Bill’s phone _dinged_ on the bed and Bill practically had to dive to get it before Thea could snatch it up and read his text for him. Privacy in both Preston and Logan households was a little off when it came to the kids, Thea and Billie reading most of Bill and Ted’s texts before either of them even got to see who had sent them. 

**Ted:** I’m outside 

Bill’s hand almost slipped off the lock of the door as he twisted it, twisting his insides with it as he pulled the front door open and there was Ted. And he looked...The same as ever, actually. Bar the fact that he’d stopped shaving so religiously and he was sporting what was quite honestly the perfect middle aged beard: fuzzy and streaked with greys that made Bill’s eyes go blurry. 

If he was handsome then Ted was something else. 

But Thea was right. He truly was just Ted. 

And it was just a date. Nothing to feel weird about, which kind of did freak him out a little. Because he _wasn’t_ freaked out. Mostly he was just happy to see Ted. Especially considering he had the most excellent outfit on: an _old_ faded Megadeth t-shirt and a black blazer on top which Billie must have dug out the iron for. A pair of black cords tapered down into a pair of thick black boots that Bill had no doubt that Billie was lusting over. His eyes travelled down and then all the way back up again, wanting one last glance at that salt’n’pepper beard that made him feel kinda funny inside and Ted looked—

Oh. Well, he looked nervous. 

Twitchy. 

Until Bill took a single step forward and beamed at him, smiling so hard it hurt his face and Ted smiled back just as hard.

Then out came the air guitars and it was all good. They were fine. 

“See you later, love birds!” Thea shouted from halfway down the stairs, and then they were heading to the van, not having said a single word just yet because they didn’t often need to. It was only when Bill tucked his seatbelt into the clasp of the buckle that Ted said, 

“So...I had some date ideas.” 

Bill grinned in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my god i hope u guys enjoyed & i will hopefully have enough time next week to get on with the second chapter whiCH i do have half planned out! and will have sweet old dudes shagging, who could resist!
> 
> anyway u can find me at:
> 
> twitter: cowboywav  
> tumblr: cowboyism


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look i said this was gonna be 2 chapters but turns out i want it to be 3 SO, here's the next one. 
> 
> also i wonder if you can tell im a gay dude who has a big problem with comphet from how much i talk about it in my fics lmao
> 
> enjoy though!

They managed to drive around at least ten minutes without saying more than about five words, Ted’s hands tight enough on the steering wheel that it made a small squeaking noise when he moved even slightly. Not so much in an awkward first date situation though. Moreso in a, ‘we can’t think of anything to do and this is our first date and we both want it to be good’, so the last three food establishments they’d passed, they’d glanced at each other and shook their heads most sullenly. It had to be perfect. Or at least better than the Greek place they’d gone to for Ted’s fortieth where Billie had eaten so much hummus that they’d thrown up for an hour when they got home while the rest of the family had sat downstairs and tried to turn the music up loud enough to drown the noise out. 

Driving around in relative silence did have a side effect that wasn’t first date nerves though and that was the fact that whenever Ted had to make a right hand turning, he’d end up glancing in Bill’s direction. It was a knee jerk reaction now, to fix his eyes on the way Bill’s nose curved down his profile, or the way his curls would fall against his forehead. The only difference from when he used to look at him till his eyes got tired when they were teenagers to now is that instead of Bill’s eyes darting away when they made contact with Ted’s, he’d look straight back. Head tilted to the side and a big, stupid smile plastered to his face. 

They had always been close. Of course they had. Bill and Ted didn’t exist as separate beings, they were BilandTed for all extents and purposes. But when they were younger there was still this acrid societal taste around men and physical or emotional closeness. They had decided when they got to about eighteen that they thought it was utterly stupid, because after their most excellent journey, they realised they quite enjoyed being able to hold each other when something most definitely triumphant happened. Without declaring it was a certain word. A word that they’d stripped from their vocabulary soon after. 

But even with that closeness, it felt off limits often to be so close. The princesses never minded, but it felt...rude. Like something the boys who would make jabs at the two of them for being ‘total airheads’ would do with their girls: find another girl to cosy up to at the lockers. It would be cruel to the princesses for Ted to stare at Bill’s stomach in his crop tops or for Bill to gaze at Ted’s sweet, brown eyes. As much as they wanted. As much as they didn’t realise they did want to. 

Loving each other came naturally to them so perhaps it wasn’t surprising that while they surely were in love with each other, they hadn’t noticed they _were_ in love with each other.

That didn’t fix the fact that Ted had to physically pull his eyes off of Bill while he drove though, noticing the way his hands were folded so politely in his lap as if he was Ted’s prom date and this was the first time either of them had been allowed out by their parents or something. He had to laugh a little and when the sound left him, Bill knocked his gaze over to Ted’s and when they caught each other’s they both went soft around the edges. Smiling gently and when Bill spoke his voice sounded strained, perhaps he was nervous. 

“This is...Kinda funky, isn’t it, Ted?”

Ted frowned, if only for a minuscule amount of time, “Funky good or...Funky bad?” 

Bill hummed, “I think most definitely funky _good_.” 

Ted’s shoulders relaxed, enough that he could hear his body popping lose of tension and when Bill said, as casually as he could, “You look really good, man”, the flush that came upon him shot straight through his cheeks and right down the sides of his neck. A flush that mirrored Bill’s, even as he tried to keep his mouth a straight line as not to give himself away with a huge smile. 

“You look good too, amigo.” Ted answered, eyes back on the road though he would much rather be looking at Bill. Though the sweet, hazy reverie was very much disrupted by Ted spotting the perfect place to eat and almost taking half the other cars on the road with them as he pointed at it wildly. Swinging far too far out of his lane and Bill had to wrench the steering wheel back the right way and mutter, 

“Jesus, Ted.” To which Ted just laughed and pointed, slightly less violently this time, at a place that they had been to and knew did amazing burritos. It was also one of the few places that the kids hadn’t eaten so much they’d been unwell afterwards or had some sort of huge argument over...God knows what. Last time the cousins had a screaming match, all in good humour, over whether Digimon or Pokemon capture the zeitgeist of the early 2000s best. 

Ted had ruined the fun by asking if they were fighting over, “Funny little creatures again?” 

They pulled the van in, Bill making a show of forcing Ted to sit in his seat until he could struggle out the door and open Ted’s own side for him and when Ted climbed out of the driver’s seat and looked down at his shorter companion he had to fight back the urge to swoon a little. Which would be most disturbing to see at eight o’clock in the evening from a six foot middle aged man in the middle of a parking lot. 

Ten minutes later found them debating quietly about the correct way to fill a burrito after they’d ordered, Bill’s shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbow and if Ted looked hard enough he could see the cool blue crisscross of his veins beneath the tanned skin and he’d never in his life wanted to hold his mouth to someone’s skin just to feel the thrum of blood beneath it. It was most irregular. He’d never even given Lizzie a hickey as teenagers because he was afraid he’d hurt her. 

He frowned and looked over Bill’s neck. 

He doubted it would hurt him. 

A tinfoil wrapped burrito was shoved into his hands by Bill and, when he brought himself out of his daydream of what stubble might feel like against his mouth would feel like, he realised that Bill was answering the clerk behind the food counter in another language. Stilted and a little rusty seemingly, but he was definitely speaking Spanish. He cocked his head a little, attempting to understand what was being said and going by the fact the man behind the counter was holding up a can of soda and then a different one, it was about which flavour of drinks they’d want. 

Bill nudged him with an elbow, “Hey, so, grape or melon?” 

Ted wrinkled his nose, “Melon?” 

Bill grinned, “Si. Melón. It’s good, or at least he says it is. I trust him.” To which Ted just nodded absentmindedly and when Bill turned back to the man and started rattling off another bunch of Spanish it made Ted’s insides go from pleasantly twisting at the general idea of a date, to boiling at the need to grab Bill’s hand and walk outside. To do what, he wasn’t sure. He just wanted to make Bill speak Spanish for him. All for him. 

“¿Cuanto es todo?” 

He’d heard Bill speak a little Spanish before, they did live in California after all. It hadn’t ever sounded like _that_ before though. Well, it had always made his tummy do these weird flips, but he had assumed before that it was just jealousy at the fact he could speak another language pretty well. Something that a lot of people couldn’t quite grasp. How someone who had been flunking history and could barely spell could then be bilingual as well. Luckily for Bill, he’d always had a knack for picking up lingo, and that apparently extended to Spanish. 

It hadn’t been quite so easy for Ted, his grandmother had _tried_ and failed to teach him a little Mandarin as a kid and it had rolled off him so easily that he could barely remember how to tell people what his name was. 

The way it worked so naturally for Bill was intriguing and...attractive though, and he only realised he was standing staring at him when Bill said, jokingly, “¿Como estas?” 

Ted’s body jolted a little, “Oh. Uh. Yeah! Fine, fine!” 

The man behind the counter said something that Ted couldn’t quite understand, and when he looked towards Bill for help he was beet red, his burrito clutched tight to his chest like a set of pearls, “What did he say, Bill?” 

“He told us to have a nice date night.” Bill murmured. 

The two of them were still in a state of disbelief that their date vibe was so visible that even strangers could apparently sense it coming off them in waves when they got back to the van that for a moment Bill could barely remember where he was because he had sat himself down in the driver’s seat. Only for Ted to realise and say, “Hey. I’m driving, you can have a beer then!” So they had swapped back and it had only taken a choked wheeze of a laugh to come out of Bill before they were both chuckling at each other. 

“C’mon, dude. I got a cool spot to eat these.” Ted chimed. 

\---

They took the highway out of the city, driving up until the roads mellowed of cars and when Bill looked out across the horizon it was a dusty orange and not beige and grey from the buildings. They kept driving, Ted’s eyes either glued to the road or to the skies because he wanted to be able to, “See the sky properly.” Something that Bill could definitely get behind. 

The kids had bought a telescope when they were tiny because they were horrified at how little stars they could see from their backyards. 

When Ted informed Bill it’d only be about another five minutes or so, their burritos clutched tight to Bill’s stomach to try and keep them at least a little warm (although neither of them was against eating cold Mexican food), Bill realised that maybe the point of this was _just_ to see the sky. The blanket of night being pulled down around the edges of the highway and he had to stop himself from squirming in his seat at how stupidly romantic this dumb idea was. 

He didn’t manage to stop himself from reaching out and squeezing his hand around Ted’s knee though, only realising what he’d done when Ted almost jumped out of his skin at the feeling of it. Luckily this time, with a firmer grasp on the steering wheel than he had before. 

Bill’s eyes went wide, “Oh my god. I’m so sorry, dude! That was totally uncool of me, I should have asked!” 

Ted laughed, short and nervously, “You don’t have to ask to touch me. We’re on a date, Bill.”

He didn’t mean to frown in response, but Bill found himself doing it all the same, “Uh? Consent, man. Missy taught us that.” His face going soft again when Ted snorted a laugh and brushed his hand over Bill’s, curling a finger around one of Bill’s and they’d held hands before, of course they’d held hands. They held hands last Tuesday when Bill had a huge splinter in his pinkie finger that Billie had to wrench out with tweezers and Ted had to grasp Bill’s hand to stop him from passing out. But looking down at the way Ted’s finger was curled around his own wasn’t quite the same. It was better.

The road they were on twisted to an end, a rounded full stop that was cradled by a verge that looked out across a plane of deep, umber earth and when they got out of the van the air was almost tangy. It whipped around them as they clambered, helping each other of course, onto the hood of the van, a woollen blanket laid out beneath them and another tucked behind them just in case it got colder than they had expected. Thankfully the food was still warm enough that apparently some kind of natural instinct kicked in while eating it, and there was nothing romantic in the way the two of them got down to it. Ted wiping a hand across his mouth to catch some misplaced sauce and Bill tumbling rice onto his jeans where it fell from the centre of his burrito. It was like the days when they would come home from working at the mall, tired and ravenous, and they’d sit on the floor and devour takeout. 

The tender memory of being twenty one and looking over at where Ted had pizza sauce on his chin and hair across his eyes settled warm into Bill’s belly with the food and when he looked over at Ted, slurping at his melon soda, it made his insides churn. Pleasantly though. Nothing like the way it would feel when he was sick. I felt like how he usually felt when he looked at Ted, except this time, it was like the bough had broken and instead of feeling a strange, deep feeling of guilt for how Lizzie would feel, it felt as though he was allowed this. 

Ted seemed to have cottoned onto this as well, and perhaps he felt exactly the same because, between bites of burrito, he said shyly, “Hey, is this weird?” 

Bill tried to look taken aback, “No? Does it feel weird to you?” 

Ted’s head shook, his hair brushing his shoulders, “Not at all, my most esteemed Bill. It—uh—it feels kinda good. Like we’re supposed to be here?” 

“On the hood of the van?”

“On a date, dude.”

That was enough to make them both snigger, feeling less like fifty year olds and more like teenagers again and neither of them can work out what’s making them feel so warm inside. Because it could be the burritos. But it also could be that when they’re together it’s so hard to not feel warm inside. 

With the burritos done, and Bill having wiped a napkin across Ted’s face like some sort of doting mother (or doting husband, but no, don’t think about that), they settled with their legs stretched out across the hood, backs against the windscreen and Ted didn’t bring up the fact that Bill had to produce some glasses from somewhere to actually be able to see the stars. 

_I’m short sighted, dude! I’m old!_

Ted had been a genius to pick this spot, Bill wondering if maybe he’d brought Lizzie out here at some point. A thought that didn’t make him feel as jealous as he first thought it might. Lizzie had deserved Ted’s love just as much as anyone else, and really, Bill had loved her probably just as much as well. But now he was here with Ted and the sky was a perfect peacoat blue where it hit the horizon, fading into a deeper navy as it filtered out the further his eyes climbed. Dots of stars flecking the ever deepening sky and Bill’s head shifted when Ted spoke, 

“It’s super crazy that you can hardly see any of this from home. You can see the stars so much better.” 

Bill looked back to the sky, focusing on the pinpricks of light, “All that light pollution...Harshes the vibes of the stars when we’re back home in the suburbs.” 

“Would be nice if the kids were here...They’d be telling us weird facts about the stars.” 

Bill grinned, “Probably lying about the facts too, just to make up think there’s a constellation called...I don’t know—”

“The fat ass system.”

Bill snorted. Hard. And when Ted glanced at him, he got the most beautiful view of his profile as he laughed, mouth curling and crow’s feet crinkling, and all the breath that was currently about to enter his body collected painfully in his gullet and he ended up choking on it as it caught and swirled. It was like they were sixteen again, and Ted was realising he likes boys. Mostly he just liked Bill though. But Bill was his best friend and he would never want to kiss Ted if he tried to. 

And, of course, Bill was exactly the same age and realising exactly the same things. Staring at his ceiling and wondering what Ted’s mouth would feel like against his. Hand hovering over the phone because he wanted to call Ted and ask him out, but he couldn’t quite do it. Unbeknownst that Ted’s hand was hovering all the same over his own phone. 

Ted rolled a little onto his side, ignoring his hip digging into the uncomfortable metal of the van, and just _looked_ at Bill, silently. 

“Hey?” Bill whispered, glasses knocking against the windscreen as he too turned to Ted. “We’re supposed to be stargazing not...Old man gazing.” 

Ted’s mouth quivered unusually, “Are we going too fast?” 

Bill didn’t know how to answer. 

“Uh...We’ve kind of just done stuff that we always do, so...I don’t know, dude?” 

That flustered Ted, “Oh, shit, man. Should we have done something else? Is this a cool date, I—”

“Dude. Calm down. I’m having so much fun.” Bill added quickly after that, “I always have fun with you. You know that.”

Their hands were centimetres apart where they laid on the van when Ted said manically, “I just...Suddenly we’re on a date, and it’s not weird at all. It feels so amazingly, perfectly fine, like we should have been going on dates for like...Decades! And now I’m sad because I know we should but I only realised the other day that it was an option and my kid is so smug about it.”

“Oh—Uh—” Bill stuttered.

But then he crept his fingers towards Ted’s hand, but he didn’t stop there, not stopping until he was ever so shyly touching his fingertips to Ted’s jaw. Feeling the prickles of his beard against them, then continuing up until he could cup his jaw properly in the palm of his hand. He felt the weight of it. The weight of Ted and that fell so heavy on him when they fixed their eyes together. “Don’t be sad, man. We can do things slow or fast or...You know, whatever. It's a good thing, I never had to think about saying yes about you wanting to go on a date because—Well—I’ve been waiting to go on a date with you since we used to kiss in 10th grade.” His voice wavering over the word ‘kiss’, like he was almost too afraid to admit out loud what they used to do. He watched as it made Ted’s ears go red, and he ducked his head in a Ted-nod. 

“Yeah...I didn’t have to think too hard in the end about asking you on one.” He went silent for a moment, drawing up the courage to say, “I wish I’d done it when we were in 10th grade.”

Bill shrugged, as best he could from the position he was in, his hand having migrated somewhere in the space of them talking down to the ever so slight dip of Ted’s waist, “But, like, then we wouldn’t have the kiddos.” Something that made Ted smile wistfully, noticing as well that it seemed as though they had been ignoring the sky that they should have been looking at for the past few minutes. 

“I guess so...Are we done looking at stars now, or—?”

The look that flitted across Bill’s face was entirely bashful, “I’ve been looking at San Dimas stars for fifty years. As shitty and light pollution-y as they are. I’ve seen them enough. Maybe I just wanna look at you right now, dude.” 

Ted exhaled softly, “ _Whoa._ That was—like—totally romantic, dude.” Smiling big and Bill smiled back just as big until they weren’t smiling at each other anymore. They were kissing. Entirely uncomfortable in the position they were laid on the van, the metal digging into both of their hips and Ted’s shoulder had already started to hurt a little bit and Bill’s glasses pulled off to accommodate them. But it was so good. 

Just their mouth pressing together with hardly any intent other than to keep them together and attached, Ted’s big, warm hand cupping the back of Bill’s head. Feeling the curls underneath his skin and he must have had Thea help with his haircare for the date because they felt so soft and all he wanted was to press his fingers deep into those curls. Let them fall around his fingertips and what would happen if he grabbed a hold and pulled a little? Would it hurt? Or would it feel good. 

Jolts of sparks shooting up Bill’s spine at the demure slide of their mouths, opening a tiny amount against each other, not even trying to introduce their tongues just yet because this was just about the innocent feel of each other. The idea of being able to do this after too long crushing down on the both of them, it felt hard enough to focus on kissing like that, let alone going any further. 

They both pulled away at the same time, catching their breaths, and at exactly the same time they murmured, 

“ _Whoa._ ” 

\---

They ended up with their hands clasped, sweaty and baking hot against each other, decided that they probably should make the most of being out in the middle of nowhere where they could actually see the stars, and in the groupchat they had with the kids they shot off a couple of photos for them. Billie answering immediately with a thumbs up emoji and Thea not answering at all, which probably meant she was already two movies deep into some awful horror series with her girlfriend. The glasses had returned as well, propped on the bridge of Bill’s nose as they pointed out constellations and named them after their favourite rockers. 

This continued until their backs started to hurt and the chill began to creep into the ends of their fingertips and, reluctantly, they bundled up their blankets (and their trash, save the planet) and relented back into the cab of the van. Shuffling down into their seats, ready to make the journey back home, but then Bill glanced behind him. Then Ted did as well. Both staring at all the empty space in the back of the van. Usually cluttered and crowded with bits and pieces of music equipment, but it was completely bare. 

They said nothing between them for a moment, just the rumble of the engine as Ted turned the key and the sound of their breathing because they both knew what happened at the end of most dates and they’d been waiting a long time to even kiss, let alone…

Bill cleared his throat, cheeks bright red, “I—Uh—Don’t think I could...You know... _Back there._ ” 

Ted’s hands left the steering wheel, flapping in front of them as he tried to wave away the idea that they had to do _anything_ on this, their first date _ever_ , “Oh, no! I mean—we don’t have to—y’know—Do it tonight!” 

“Oh! Yeah, man. Uh—that’s cool. I was just thinking that!” 

“Yeah. Totally cool, dude!” 

The air felt tense, but only until the both of them sighed and Bill mumbled, “My back would hurt too much anyway.” 

Ted conceded with a nod of his head, “Yeah, my hamstring has been giving me...All kinds of shit.” 

The silence that had been settling was discarded by the sound of them both laughing softly, and as Ted reached to turn the heaters on, Bill said in his most unassuming of voices, “Hey...When did you... _Know?_ ” His hands back to being clasped in his lap, obviously trying to state to Ted that he was being deadly serious about this, and Ted didn’t have to pry any further into what he meant. He understood. 

With a shrug he replied, “I don’t remember thinking about it, I just noticed one day that everyone totally bugged about dudes loving other dudes, and I couldn’t see what the problem was because I—” 

Ted stopped. 

Bill leaned in, “W-What?” 

Ted swallowed. 

“Well, because I just was confused about how it could be bad to be in love with another guy when whenever I thought you I was so happy, dude.” His hands shaking against the steering wheel as he spoke and he watched with careful eyes as Bill ducked his head, curls bouncing against his forehead and when he looked up at Ted, he glanced through his eyelashes, 

“Yeah, man. Same.” 

He glanced away, then after a moment of amping himself up he said quietly, borderline whispering, “Can I kiss you again?” 

Ted beamed back, nodding his head once more in a way that would remain a classic Ted move, “Of course you can, Bill.” Barely finishing the sentence before Bill moved into his space, a hand steadying himself on Ted’s thigh and the feeling of the heat of his palm leaking through the fabric of his cords made Ted shudder into the kiss as it was pressed to his mouth. 

A single kiss though, short and sweet, and Ted had to force himself from saying that outloud to proclaim how it was _just_ like Bill. 

“Earlier you asked if we were going too fast.” Ted could barely concentrate on what Bill was saying, his mouth now damp from their kiss, “What did you mean?” 

“I was just scared, I think. Worried that this was all so sudden, like...It is most excellent that we’re here. On a date. Smooching away. But...I don’t know—” 

“Dude.” Bill’s hand squeezed at Ted’s thigh, the peaks and troughs of the cord pressing hard into his palm, “I think I might have just totally gone crazy and screamed if we waited any longer. I just didn’t want to do anything with you when we had the princesses, because I loved Jo. I really, really loved Jo. She was a cool pal and we got on but—” 

“It wasn’t right.” Ted answered for him, and Bill nodded, Ted adding quietly, “ _It wasn’t us_.”

Bill laughed, but the sound at its epicentre was hollow, “We missed out on, like, tons and tons of time we could have been kissing.”

Ted’s voice was strong and sure as he asserted best he could, “I don’t need to kiss you to know that I’ve had the most rad life I could have had with you and Thea. The princesses too, but...I think now, I would quite like to do some kissing.” 

Bill's face was so red and he was smiling so hard, even when they kissed again. Ted could feel the imprint of the smile against his mouth, until he couldn’t because finally their mouths were open against each other properly, Bill’s hands in Ted’s hair and it was burning hot and wet as their mouths moved against each other. Bill doing something with his tongue against Ted’s that he had _never_ in all the years he had been alive felt, the sensation dredging up a different kind of heat in the pit of his belly and when Bill’s hands do exactly what he was thinking about doing earlier to him, pulled on Ted’s hair, he couldn’t help but let out a noise that he had definitely _not_ made with Lizzie. He felt so safe, even in the roughness of the motion of Bill’s hand tugging on his hair, and the feeling encompassed him.

The noise interested Bill deeply, so he did it again and again while their mouths slid together, and he debated climbing into Ted’s lap. His thighs looked so good, so comfortable and then Ted’s hand was mirroring the thought almost by touching Bill's thigh, and he wondered what it would feel like to touch that same place without the constraining barrier of denim. To be able to touch and press his nails into him. Leave marks on him like he had left on him simply by existing near him. 

Ted’s thumb drew itself to the inside seam of Bill’s jeans and Bill shook underneath him because he knew he was getting hard. He was getting hard and he was kissing Ted in their van and if he had squinted then perhaps they could have just been breaking the threshold of twenty. Living together and lounging on the couch together. Looking at each other from the corner of their eyes like they wanted to kiss so much, but they couldn’t because they had the princesses. 

Their kiss tasted distinctly of melon soda, and maybe a little of the dust that had kicked up from the van setting its tires into the ground. Not unpleasant in any way, how could kissing Ted be unpleasant? Bill leaned into it even further, and it wasn’t like the last few years with Joanna, when he would will away his arousal so hard it would give him a headache. Upset at the fact that he loved his wife so much but couldn’t quite bring himself to sleep with her, out of some sort of warped sense of duty. To not lie. He leant full into the feeling of arousal because it was attached to Ted and the emotion _of_ Ted. Something that he was sure no one in the universe would ever know. No one would ever know Ted like he did. 

When Bill’s erection was noticed by Ted, he butted his forehead against Bill’s and it was only then that Bill noticed the mirrored shape at the front of Ted’s cords, to which he had to laugh because of course they couldn’t do something without each other. Even popping a boner, they had to share the action. 

“Damn.” Was all Bill said, voice shivering with an unlaughed laugh and Ted answered, incredibly conspiratorially, 

“I haven’t gotten hard that quick since...Well...Since that summer in ‘92 when you only wore crop tops and cut off jeans.”

“No way!” Bill gasped, shocked. 

“Yes way, dude! It got to a point where I actually had to bring it up to Lizzie, and she just laughed at me. Not in a mean way, just because I was being a dope.” 

“Hey.” Bill sounded so soft. 

“Hey?”

“You wanna drive home now?” Bill’s hand caressed up the slope of Ted’s cheek, and when he went in to kiss him, his tongue slid along the swell of his bottom lip. Ted groaned, and then nodded. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hewwo so if you enjoyed please consider leaving a comment and a kudos (if u havent already) and you can find me 
> 
> twitter: @cowboywav  
> tumblr: @cowboyism


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. it's finished. finally. 
> 
> im going to be a cheeky little man and post this without checking for mistakes just bc i am crazy bonkers but,
> 
> please enjoy!!!

The drive home was a daze. A blur of the slope of lights careening across the window of the car with the warmth of Bill’s hand on Ted’s thigh, his brain barely concentrating on the road ahead which slid underneath the van in increments and it was horribly distracting but possibly the best thing he’d ever felt. Bill’s hand so tight and his own body felt so hot, the back of his neck prickling sharply at the possibility that this was going to be the way his life would work out. 

A way that he wouldn’t ever admit that he had thought about until he was laid out with migraines and bad tempers because he couldn’t just _have_ Bill. That’d be rude to Jo. But Bill was beside him now, soft lines around his eyes and even softer curls; but now when he thought about Bill, instead of a sick, sad hunger that crept into him, all he could think about was how they were finally going to truly be _BillandTed._ A conglomerate that they had always been but now it was like the final latch had been clicked into place, all with the soft, sweet pressure of Bill’s hand on him. 

He rolled the thought of it around his head incessantly until it didn’t mean anything anymore. Thinking and thinking until they were back at the house, the lights dim inside of Bill’s front room where Thea and Billie were no doubt inside and doing something stupid. Stupid _and_ cool. 

His own house loomed at them, the invite stuck gummy to the roof of his mouth to ask Bill inside immediately. Like they had done thousands of times before, but now it was different and maybe he was a little afraid. But only a little. 

Bill saved him with a murmur of, “This was extremely awesome, Ted. I had a really great time.” He shrugged thoughtfully, “But, I mean, of course I did!” To which Ted nodded and agreed quietly, eyes now back on the hand that still adorned his thigh and when Bill noticed he flashed pink. Something that set off the nervous flair back in motion in Ted’s brain and he stumbled out quickly, 

“You can come in, dude! But—uh—Can I be a total old man and admit that I don’t think I can handle anymore... _Hijinks_ tonight. I’m kinda tired.” Hoping badly that Bill would imply from the raised eyebrows he gave him that hijinks was a stand-in for the term ‘old man sex’, because he’d kick himself if he ruined their first time sleeping together by cracking a huge yawn in Bill’s face. That’d be probably the worst thing a human could do. 

Plus, that _had_ eaten Mexican food.

C’mon.

But, thankfully, Bill smiled back, looking just as tired and content as Ted felt and said, “You don’t gotta explain. We can just go to sleep, I’m down for anything.” The ‘we’ made Ted go a little blurry eyed until he could focus on Bill craning his neck towards him, and they kissed once more. The motion of it, despite still being new, was crawling towards being second nature and it emboldened Ted into murmuring into the kiss, 

“Kinda sad to see my pretty epic boner go to waste though.” Tone light and joking. 

Bill’s nose wrinkled, “Don’t call your boner epic, dude.” 

Ted looked very serious all of a sudden, “Why not? It was.” Not letting the look go until Bill was grinning, shoving his chest and then letting himself be corralled back into yet another tender kiss. 

Once the call of Ted’s totally cool new mattress grew too loud, they managed to pry themselves from each other long enough to stroll into the house, their hands brushing as they sloped up the driveway, deciding to take the back door into the kitchen instead of the front, despite the fact Ted was sure with how dark the house was that Billie must have snuck themself into Bill’s house. 

Also for discreteness though, if Billie was in the house, then Ted didn’t particularly want to go roaring through the front door and have his child catch him with Bill, though the thought of it almost sent a shock of excitement through him. He’d never been one for sneaking girls home to canoodle with in his room, and perhaps the idea of doing that with Bill was a little alluring. 

The key _clicked_ in the lock and Bill watched Ted toe off his shoes. The strange domesticity of it shooting right through him and he was almost so distracted by it that he forgot to scream when Ted flicked on the lights and there sat Billie, elbows poised on the kitchen table with their chin balanced on their hands. Smile stretched so wide across their face that it looked a bit painful. 

“Hello, father.” 

Ted clutched his chest, “Jesus christ. Why are you sitting in the dark down here?”

Billie pushed themself up and away from the table, getting just close enough to fling their arms around their father’s neck and hang from him, “I was waiting for you! And oh, papa! You’ve brought a husband home, I’m to have a new step father by the morn!” 

Ted patted their back stiffly, not prying them off just yet but indulging whatever fantasy they had for this evening going on for a little longer, “Were you sat there long?” Bill watched their fingers, hands and then arms slip from Ted’s shoulders and then they stood, hands on their hips in the middle of the kitchen. 

It almost was like Ted was bringing home a date as a teenager as Billie stared them both down. 

“Oh, you know. Forty minutes or so, nothing much.” 

Ted sighed and Bill just laughed, “I thought you might be with Thea tonight?” 

Billie shook their head, “Nah. She had her girlfriend over, didn’t she. Didn’t want to interrupt all the—” They made a strange hand motion that both Bill and Ted could only assume was a sex thing. 

Ted frowned, “I don’t know what that means, creature.” 

Billie snuffled a laugh, “Dude, no wonder mom left you.” 

Ted clapped his hands together, “Okay. Bedtime for all humans currently stood in this kitchen. We’re home now. Thanks for staying up to make sure we didn’t die in a car crash but...Me and uncle Bill wanna get some rest.” 

Billie’s eyebrows went up, “Adult slumber party for you two, eh?” They suddenly were wagging their finger very close to Bill's face, “No funny business with my pop!” 

Bill leaned back a little from the offending finger, “Uh—Sure?” 

Seeming complacent with that answer, Billie nodded their head a few times à la Ted and then with a final mutter of, “Righteous...Two dads.” They wandered off upstairs. 

Bill stuffed his hands into his jean pockets, “How did you raise them to be exactly like you at that age?” His voice cracked a little at the end of the sentence as he finished it by glancing in Ted’s direction, only to find him already filling glasses of water to take with them upstairs to bed, the sudden onslaught of emotion from it hitting him hard. Much like watching Ted simply take off his shoes like they lived together, Bill was astounded by how tiny an action could cause such a huge reaction inside him. 

It felt like barely any time between standing on the cold linoleum of the kitchen and being tucked into the soft, cool smelling sheets of Ted’s bed. Ted’s back ramrod straight against the headboard to forcibly stop himself from jumping Bill because, as he surely most often did, he opted for borrowing one of Ted’s shirts to sleep in. That and his boxers. Not unusual for when he slept over but something about the way he propped himself against the pillows like he belonged there. Short legs stretched out under the covers and reading glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, and Ted couldn’t bring himself to get started on that nose again, he would never get to sleep. 

Bill had already chastised him tenderly for making fun of the glasses because he not only needed long distance glasses but also a pair for when he was reading books or looking at his phone too late and night. The whole thing made Ted’s stomach twist and tumble pleasantly. If he were to use Billie’s way of describing certain men for Bill he could call him, ‘a husband’. The way he was so casually reading the news, or perhaps just scrolling the kids twitters as they often did to find out the day's general news (it was easier than reading actual news which often bummed them out). 

One hand on the phone the other on Ted’s wrist, running calmly along the thin skin over where his veins were and Ted could only think about how _hot_ Bill was and about how now the dam had burst, he could just lean over and kiss him. Just like in the van. If he really wanted to. 

But the van seemed miles away too, and almost like a steel comfort blanket that cocooned them back on the road. This was his bed. He lived here. This was where Lizzie had made her home too. It set his teeth on edge a little. 

Bill hadn’t noticed at all though, setting down his phone on the side table after plugging it in with the charger that Ted was sure that he had left there at some point but he wasn’t quite sure if it was before or after his wife had left him. He shook his head, trying to chase off the thought as Bill curled into the bed further, head now cushioned on the pillows and he yawned widely. Then smiled so softly at Ted before saying, “This is like when we’d have sleepovers as kids.” 

Ted’s shoulders relaxed some, his own body following Bill’s into settling further into bed until his head too was resting atop his own set of pillows, “We slept in the same room till we were like...Twenty five, dude. We had sleepovers way after we were kids too.” 

Bill just laughed, then yawned again.

Then, almost as if to distract from the motion with the yawn, midway through it he reached a hand out and tucked a stray piece of hair behind Ted’s ear. Voice subdued and secretive, “I used to wish I could touch you like this all the time when we were younger.”

Ted’s answer was almost strangled as he tried to hold back the need to shout it, “You could have! I—I would have let you, I mean.”

A single kiss was pressed to his lips by Bill, his mouth minty and Ted couldn’t tell if the heat was emanating in waves from him or from Bill, but he was so warm next to him. Maybe it was the heat getting to his brain as he garbled out uselessly, “Man, I’m almost jealous of the people that got to kiss you before me.” As soon the words left him he regretted them, admission of jealousy feeling lousy and heavy in his mouth, despite the fact that Bill’s eyes flashed with something as he said it. 

“Well...Technically, it was you.” Bill admitted softly.

“That did what?”

“Kissed me first. Before anyone else.” 

Ted blinked, “But...What about all the babes you said you smooched when we were younger?”

“Dude, you spent all of your time with me...Did you ever see any babes?” 

“No?”

“Well. Exactly.” Bill’s face was red. 

“So,” Ted cleared his throat a little, “When we used to kiss when we were like...fifteen, that was your first kiss?” 

Bill was practically scarlet, sunk down into the bed and he didn’t have to answer verbally to give Ted the answer he desired, and Ted then had to gather this tiny, tiny, sweet man into his arms and kiss him all over his face. Everywhere that he could land his lips on his face. Cheeks, mouth, eyelids. Just like he never got to do and as he did he muttered, “Don’t be mad. Don’t be mad, I’m so happy to hear that. All I ever wanted was to be your first kiss.”

Bill was so close, and Ted could feel the way his breath fanned onto his face when he said in return, “The first time we kissed...I went home and my face hurt so bad because I couldn’t stop smiling.” He paused, “I kinda feel the same right now honestly, I’m really having to stop myself smiling like a huge dumbass right now, Ted.” A hand came out to cradle Ted’s face, “Any reason why you’re not smiling back though, dude?”

Ted licked his lips, “It’s just...When I told Billie about all the shit we used to do as stupid kids, they looked really upset? All I said was that it was kisses between bros, you know.” 

“Dude...It wasn’t ever just kisses between bros.” He squirmed a little, obviously embarrassed by his next admission despite the fact it was quite obvious to anyone who knew of them at all, “I really like you. Like, mondo crush on you. Thea and me once talked about it, she said something about all this super depressing repressive shit we might have had going on. I don’t know. But I do know that kissing you at fifteen is the same as kissing you now.” His eyes were so sure as they fixed on Ted’s and accompanied a shrug, “I just..Always like you, you know?”

Ted just looked at him, and Bill could tell from the way his nose scrunched and his teeth dug into his bottom lip that he was getting upset about all of it, but he managed to scratch out, “I liked you too, man. Big time. I’m sorry.” 

Bill’s thumb brushed the sharp cut of Ted’s jaw, “Don’t say that. You don’t gotta be sorry. The 80’s were kind of wack sometimes.” His hand slid up to cup Ted’s jaw properly, “We made it in the end, that’s pretty cool, right?” 

Ted nodded, stilted against the pillow pushed plump against his cheek, and they were so close now. Two parentheses bracketing each other, and it was as if they’d never spent a night not like this, and it was only when Ted woke up to use the bathroom at about four o’clock in the morning that he realised they must have nodded off like that. Clasped together in the centre of the bed and when he returned from the bathroom he gazed down at Bill’s form on the bed, looking so small laid there on the bed. The bed that could be their bed. Curled in on himself and when Ted slid himself back under the covers Bill sought him and his cradling warmth out.

His arms curled around Ted as soon as he made contact with him, and he mumbled something into the hollow of Ted’s neck that Ted couldn’t quite make out, but he kissed his forehead all the same and answered gently, “I’m right here, doofus.” 

\---

The next time they awoke, Bill’s face crushed into Ted’s shoulder and Ted’s arm dying limply beneath him, a notification was flashing across the screen of Ted’s phone. Illuminating the room dimly and he groaned a little as he leaned over to reach for it, life flaring back into the dead arm and as it tingled he swiped open the text they’d sent them. 

**Creature:** me and thea have gone on a hike. and by that i mean i dragged my ass out of bed at 7:30 just in case you and bill wanted some alone time. u owe me.

He clutched the phone to his chest quickly, just in case Bill had caught a glimpse of the text, then exhaled sharply and pushed the covers back. Startling Bill into rousing from sleep further, his eyes half shut still and he looked so terribly grumpy as he pushed himself off the bed, standing rigid in the middle of the room as he got his bearings and all Ted wanted to do was to kiss the mood from his face. 

Instead, they ended up side by side in the bathroom, Bill with a spare toothbrush jammed into his mouth and Ted gargling mouthwash. Yet another foray into the realm of domesticity. Ted’s hand clamped so hard on the edge of the basin that he was sure if a tornado were to strike at that very moment, he’d still be attached to it as the house flew away into the ether. 

Bill’s mouth was damp with toothpaste as he glanced into the mirror in front of them, catching Ted’s eyeline and when he did he grinned stupidly, then spat into the sink and wiped the back of his wrist across his mouth. “What?” He enquired quietly, rubbing his thumb across the corner of his eye to swipe away some stray sleep that had gathered there and it should have been gross, Ted used to hate having to dab at the corner of baby Billie’s eyes to get sleep out of them when they were tiny but seeing Bill do it was mostly just...endearing. Sweet, somehow. 

He shrugged, “Nothing,” Mouthwash spat right next to Bill’s toothpaste, “Just like looking at you.” 

The returning look he got from Bill was what Missy used to describe as a “smouldering” look. All heat and ardor, and Ted was suddenly struck by the fact that he could peel off Bill’s shirt. Right there in front of the mirror. Force him to watch in it as he snuck his hands down the hard then soft surface of Bill’s front. Hold his chin with one hand and make him watch as he went down and down and—

He was aware of how hard he was breathing all of a sudden, and the rush to finish all of their usual bathroom ministrations was exhilarating and borderline childish in the way they both flung things back into place, then walked incredibly quickly back to the bedroom. Only stopping when they got to the doorframe and Bill almost walked straight into the back of Ted as he stood ramrod still at the threshold for a moment and stuttered, “We don’t have to do anything, you know.”

Bill huffed behind him, placing his hands on the small of Ted’s back, “We haven’t done anything for literally thirty five years. I’m actually kind of horny for you right now.”

It was a mad scramble to get into bed after that, Bill kneeing Ted in the thigh as they both struggled to get comfortable, ending up with Bill towering over Ted with wild eyes and pink cheeks. Or at least, towering as much as a 5’7 man could over someone else who was significantly taller than them. But they made it work all the same, his shoulders hunching as he leaned down to touch their mouths together. Hardly even kissing, just laying skin onto skin and listening to the way that Ted’s breath caught in the shallow of his throat.

But then something shifted, and the kiss turned into something more. Different than the kiss they shared on the date yesterday, a little closer to the way they used to kiss when they were teenagers, though this time with a handful more skill. Ted’s hand roaming the plains of Bill’s back, his fingers digging in sharply as the kiss slipped from slow and soft into Bill’s tongue in his mouth and his teeth biting down into the supple skin of Ted’s bottom lip. The sensation only a bit painful, mostly it just wound its way down his pelvis and he couldn’t get hard _that_ quickly, not anymore, but fuck if his body wasn’t trying it. 

Especially when Bill’s mouth migrated to the underside of his jaw, a secret place that Ted didn’t think anyone had ever kissed him. Or at least, if they had, it mustn't have been very memorable because even filtering through memories of Lizzie, he could not single pinpoint a moment where he had flung his head back and sighed at the feeling he currently experienced. He was thankful that Bill dared to do it though, because with the alien feeling of someone between his thighs who wasn’t a woman, it lit something within him. That strange, strong hold that Bill had over him as he dug his teeth into the jittering pulse of his neck. Not bothering to be gentle with him and Ted _liked_ that. Not afraid to admit it to himself anymore. 

Especially when he felt the fact that the beginnings of Bill’s answering erection was pressed just against his sternum, the thinness of both of their sleep wear hiding absolutely nothing between them. Not that there was ever anything to hide anyway. The temperature of the room shooting right up with every millimetre closer Bill would push himself down against Ted as he indulged his teenage self in giving him an impressive set of hickies. Their bodies were so close that it was hard to determine where Bill ended and Ted began, but again, it had always been that way, hadn’t it? 

How Bill could remember how to fall so easily into this, Ted didn’t know. Thirty five years' pause between the last time they’d even come anywhere near to anything like this had Ted’s brain muddled but that could just have been because Bill tended to do that to him. But then his own hands were yanking off Bill’s shirt, his curls bouncing as it was thrown to the side, and Ted’s eyes were allowed to roam. Fixated with how soft Bill looked, even with the way he was commanding an audience above Ted. 

He couldn’t stop himself before he said, “Would it be alright if I sucked your dick, man?” And Bill’s answer of a choked noise from where he was attempting to pull off Ted’s shirt seemed to be clear enough, though he did follow it with a very enthusiastic nod of his head. So quick that Ted could only assume it was borderline painful to whip your head around that fast. 

The sheets bunched beneath them as they wrenched each other around, until Bill could prop himself up against the headboard, hair mussed against the wood of it and eyes shining bright as he gazed at where Ted was perched between his legs. Knelt with his hands on his thighs and Bill was taken aback slightly by how well Ted wore fifty. He didn’t think he had aged pretty awfully himself, but there was something in the way that Ted looked just as beautiful now as he did when they were kids. The mental admission made Bill laugh nervously to himself and when Ted bowed his head to peer into his eyes, he could only flap a hand and admit, “Sorry. Just thinking about how pretty you are and shit.” 

Ted beamed in response, the stretch of it wrinkling his eyes and Bill almost forgot the fact he was hard and straining against his boxers because of how gorgeous he looked, allowing Ted to touch his cheek and direct a kiss to his mouth. “You are too.” Ted breathed against his mouth, “Literally the hottest guy I’ve ever seen in my life. Even hotter than Kurt Russell in The Thing.” 

Bill snorted, “Hot for an old dude.” 

Bill was barely finished before Ted began again, “You’re not hot _for_ an old dude. You’re a—uh—what do the kids say?” 

Bill stared back a moment before supplying, “Ted, my friend, are you trying to call me a DILF?” 

“Yes!” He paused and laughed nervously, “Yeah. I am.” Aware that Bill was staring right at where he was hard, but it was hard _not_ to be hard when he could see Bill’s soft roll of belly and his chest right in front of him as he spoke, almost losing his train of thought a little as he added quietly, “You’re a total DILF.” Actually trailing off a little at the end as he reached a trembling hand, stopping when he could squeeze the right side of Bill’s chest, watching his eyes flutter shut. Then curled his fingers down and around so he could press his thumb over his nipple, wondering what Bill’s chest hair would feel like rasping against his own while Bill fucked him. 

Oh. That was a new thought. 

He had never taken a ramble down the path of thought of Bill inside him. On top of him. He’d sometimes get halfway into a daydream about curling Bill’s hair around his fingers as the smaller man sucked him off, but then he’d have to stop because it would all get too real and he would be shooting his load already. 

Despite the fumbling of the motion though, Bill seemed to be enjoying the attention to his chest, and so Ted started there with his mouth. Working up to the main event of going down on him as he pressed sucking kisses into the skin, until Bill was pulling on his hair and gasping wetly. Ted only stopped the slow drag of his tongue across one of Bill’s nipples so he could laugh roughly into the damp skin, “Dude. I think I might be a titty man now?” Bill sniggering breathlessly, the jump of his chest soothing beneath Ted’s mouth, 

“You tell me, you pervert!” No malice behind the jibe but Ted sunk his teeth into Bill’s left breast all the same anyway, feeling the way his whole body jolted against him and his cock twitched which, with some reluctance, spurred Ted into leaving Bill’s chest. He determined, after a moment of uncertainty, that the best way to suck a dick was in fact to just...do it. Bill’s hands flew to his hair as he did just that, tucking into the strands of hair and resting gently as Ted did what he considered trying his best. Although, halfway through getting his mouth around Bill where he was poking from the slit in his boxers, he could not tell at all if he was doing a good job or not. 

Bill appeared to be having a pretty good time though, head thumping against the headboard as soon as Ted had curled his tongue around him and sucked him down into his mouth. The motion was foreign though, his brain working harder than usual as he tried to work out how to breathe and how to keep his jaw from aching, the latter happening despite his attempts, so he pulled back after a while. Holding Bill in the soft curl of his hand as he apologised for stopping by kissing wetly at the head, watching from below at the face Bill pulled when he pushed him down against his tongue and sucked. Hard. He revelled in the sound it dragged from the pit of Bill’s belly seemingly, his hands yanking on Ted’s hair harder than ever as he squirmed against the feeling and his cock was so heavy in Ted’s mouth. Heavy and _good_. 

Just before he came, he was kind enough to gasp softly, and then in an entirely bashful voice he gurgled, “Ted—Ah—I’m gonna—” and then his thighs were going tight on Ted’s head and he could physically feel him tremble as he came into his mouth, and without even thinking a mite about how gross it might be, he swallowed. Panting as he rested his head against the curve of Bill’s knee which was still parallel to him, eyes shut and the taste of Bill hot in the back of his throat. Even so as Bill yanked him up to kiss him, licking into his mouth and he was vaguely aware that Bill was licking himself from out of him and he whimpered weakly.

When they pulled away, Ted gazed at Bill through the curtain of his hair, eyes huge and damp around the edges, “Whoa…” His mouth even damper than his eyes, and Bill tucked a slice of hair behind his ear, Ted’s eyes drawn as he did to Bill’s chest. Littered with practically glowing red blotches from where he had been sucking on his skin, and he groaned under his breath. Catching Bill’s wrist in his palm when it sloped down from around his temples, his breath going still as Bill whispered so quietly it was almost inaudible, 

“What do you, like...Wanna do now?”

Ted blinked, then wiped the back of his hand across his mouth as he let Bill’s wrist go, purposefully not looking down at where Bill was soft against his thigh because he wanted to get fucked now. Wanted it more than anything. The idea of not getting fucked actually something that if he thought about it enough, might make him physically upset. But while Bill was soft, that wouldn’t be happening, or at least, not for a little while. 

The sudden flush that shaped its way down Bill’s chest alerted Ted to the fact he was obviously brewing a thought, and with a chew of his own bottom lip, Bill suggested helpfully, “Wanna make the most of me being small?”

Ted blanked, unsure of what that meant, “Huh?”

Bill was so red as he asked, “If I lean against the headboard, I could—Um—I could sit on you.”

Ted swallowed, palms suddenly very sweaty and he wiped them on his thighs, “Like, on my face?” Saying it out loud had his dick twitching, so hard that he had to push the palm of his hand down against it. Though, of course, they ended up just as Bill had suggested, because how could Ted say no to the idea of his sweet little thighs bracketing his ears again, still trembling just like they had when he’d come down Ted’s throat only moments before. Bill panting as he settled himself atop him shakily, both of them unsure how exactly to do this, Ted’s hand stroking any piece of skin he could find to try and assure Bill that this was fine. He was into this. 

Pretty hard, actually. 

“Oh God. I’m so sorry, dude. You suck my dick and now you’re doing this for me, I’m sorry, Ted. I suck.” Bill lamented above him, not that Ted could really answer or argue from where he was positioned, so he settled for cupping Bill’s ass in his hands and holding him apart just enough that he could get his tongue on him. The first swipe of it made Bill shiver and let out a clipped yelp, almost in surprise. Something that made Ted burble a laugh beneath him and when it coursed through Bill, he couldn’t help but giggle back. A noise that swiftly turned into a moan as he shoved his face against the wall in front of him and rock back against Ted’s mouth, huffing hot against the plaster as he was licked into. Because Ted knew he was good at this. 

Or, at least, he was pretty fucking good at eating pussy if the reviews he’d had from his ex-wife were anything to go by. So surely that must have translated at least a little bit to eating ass. 

They spent perhaps a little bit more time than they should have that way, Ted indulging his own want to eat Bill out rather than just as a means to get Bill hard again as he rocked against his face, Bill’s hands having migrated at some point back to Ted’s hair. Where they gripped at it hard and whimpered in a _most_ excellent way, Ted’s own hands practically forcing Bill down onto him and he was almost sad that he knew as soon as they pulled away from each other he was going to practically beg to be fucked, because Bill was so wet and open from his mouth. It would have been easy to sink two fingers into him from there. 

The thought making his cock throb and when Bill groaned reedily and physically pried himself away from Ted’s mouth, shuffling back down the bed and almost tumbling away, Ted was pleased to see that Bill’s erection had returned. Bobbing between his thighs in full view now that his boxers had been abandoned at some point during all of this, red and wet. Echoing his own cock’s hardness, which bordered on painful at that point. It hadn’t helped that he really _did_ enjoy eating Bill out though, and would probably do it any day if he were to ask. He also kind of hoped that Bill would return the favour. 

Judging by the way that Bill looked at him, he must have said that last thought out loud.

It was a bit of a blur after that, Ted having to go and find lube in the secret place he kept it just so Billie wouldn’t go rifling through his cabinet in the bathroom and find it. They had once found a tube of Prep H about a decade ago and hadn’t stopped bringing it up since, something that made Ted point a finger at them and go, “You just wait till you’re past your twenties! Shit happens!” Which of course had just made them laugh even harder and Ted had almost been embarrassed enough to tell them no TV for a week. 

When he returned to the bedroom, lube clasped in one hand and the other tucked against his chest because the sight of Bill sat with his hands scrunched up in the bedding, eyes soft and wrinkled, made his chest seize up slightly. The smaller made a space for Ted to lie back as he drifted back into his orbit, allowing Bill to take the lube from his grasp and then guide him into a position that seemed to be comfortable. Ted felt gangly and awkward as he went, and he couldn’t help but mutter that he’d never done this with a man. 

“Of course you haven’t, dude. I understand.” Bill soothed.

Having said that though, it felt as though they both knew where to go. How to slot together. Completely natural even in it’s unknown quality. 

Comfort was the main thing, Ted perched against the pillows and Bill knelt between his legs as he watched with bated breath as his wet finger disappeared in and out of Ted, curving up into him as Bill could barely contain the noises of amazement. Settling instead for breathing heavily and pressing his finger into Ted in the gentlest rhythm he could. Something that had Ted a little on edge, and he drawled lowly, “I’ve fingered myself before, man. You don't have to go all slow.” His head smacked against the headboard though when Bill nudged a second in next to the first, meeting his eyes and _humming_ contentedly when he was met with Bill’s hungry gaze. Their mouths meeting in the middle as Bill decided that was the point to go a little rougher. 

It was also the point that Ted decided he very much enjoyed being fingered by someone that wasn’t himself. 

Or maybe he just liked being fingered by Bill. 

The tendons in his wrist flexed as he shoved his hand up against him and watched as Ted couldn’t work out if he wanted to shy away from the action, or push right back against it. The decision being made relatively quickly if the way his hips lurched awkwardly to meet the thrust of Bill’s palm against his balls, his fingers bundling themselves into a curl inside him, quite obviously trying to find his prostate, but the enthusiasm behind them was a hindrance in the action. It was only when Bill calmed himself a little, and the motion of his hand became deep and searching that he must have touched upon something, because Ted gasped and grasped the back of his neck so hard it hurt a little. 

His mouth bit at Bill’s as he continued the motion, though he stopped when Ted bemoaned the fact that he definitely wouldn’t be able to get it up again, Bill sniggering into Ted’s jawline and he apologised quietly, “Sorry. Sorry. I’ll be more thoughtful next time I’ve got my fingers in you.” Which just served to make Ted groan even louder and wriggled against Bill’s hand at the possibility that this was going to become a staple in their lives. Bill pressing him down into the bed and pushing himself into him. He quite liked that idea.

With Bill’s fingers still inside of Ted they very briefly brought up some logistics, being adults and all, and it was decided that having only slept with one other person in their lives, they could probably live on the wild side and forgo condoms. Ted suggested very helpfully that since they were both basically unemployed as well, going to the clinic at some point to get tested would, “at least be something to do.” Which made Bill shake with laughter and as he wiped his hand on the bedspread, he nodded and agreed with a kiss to Ted’s jaw, which then migrated into a kiss to his mouth, which _then_ turned into them kissing softly for a few moments. Lost in each other as one of Ted’s hands stroked Bill slowly, liking the weight of him in his palm and he wondered what it would be like for that to be inside of him. Well, of course he would soon find out. 

There was no debate on positions, not after Bill pushed Ted back to lie properly against the pillows, one of them tucked underneath his hips and his long, tanned thighs caught around Bill’s middle as he pushed his cock into him. Slowly enough that he could see in tiny increments how Ted’s face changed with every inch that slid in, until his face was a picture of bliss when he could feel the wiry brush of Bill’s pubic hair against him. He clutched at his back when he was all the way in, pulling Bill down so they could kiss once more, and the fantasy of his chest hair against him became a reality finally, and it felt _good_. Weird, and definitely different than Lizzie’s breasts against him. But definitely good. _Grounding_. 

Though that was lost entirely when Bill started to move, practised in this part and Ted laughed weakly and pressed his palm hard against his shoulder blades, “Jesus. No wonder Jo always used to look so happy after you guys had an anniversary.” The comment made Bill have to duck his head and laugh sharply, rubbing his face against Ted’s neck. 

“Dude, you are so fucking dopey sometimes.” 

Ted took it as a compliment. 

Then he thought about nothing else but the drive of Bill’s hips into him. A slow, saccharine glide of his cock into Ted. Pushing himself deep into him, like he couldn’t bear to be apart from him, even when they were connected in the way that they were. One hand of Bill’s clasping Ted’s thigh and the other propping him up with so much ease that Ted went hot all over at the sheer knowledge that Bill was so small but so strong. He could probably have lifted Ted straight off the floor and fucked him against a wall if he really wanted. Hold him against something and shove his cock into him until he couldn’t take any more and he had to squeeze the ring of his fingers around his own cock and drive all thoughts of Bill making him drool out of his head because he _definitely_ would come like that.

The way that he was being fucked was so far from that fantasy though, perfect and kind and sweet, but Ted didn’t necessarily want that. Not after waiting so long to even be able to crawl into bed with Bill. He wanted him to _fuck_ him. So he cupped Bill’s face, making Bill pause with his erection tucked neatly all the way into Ted, as the man beneath him murmured, “I already told you before, you can go harder.” He licked his lips as Bill’s cheeks flared up again, “Please, man.” 

The newness and bashfulness of the admission had them both laughing, but then the laughter stopped, and all Ted could do was moan and throw his head back. Bill took up his offer immediately. Enough so that through the muddy mire of his brain while being fucked by Bill, he could vaguely hear his headboard smacking rhythmically against the wall behind them, which made him choke a laugh out and pull Bill flush against him. 

It was as if Bill was all he could feel. All he could smell. All around him and inside him as Bill kissed the underside of his jaw all sloppy and sweet, still pushing his hips as deep as he could as he barely gave Ted a moment to breathe between thrusts into him. The tiniest reluctance on the out stroke, as though he truly couldn’t bring himself to leave him. Something that seemed completely ridiculous, but also made Ted’s chest go tight and left him short of breath. 

Though that breath soon returned, and with it he couldn’t stop himself from the litany of obscenities that dribbled from him. Complete nonsense dirty talk, most of which he was sure he was going to be horrified at later, but he couldn’t stop it. He had kept all of these thoughts inside him for so long that they burst from him before he could contain them. Not that Bill minded, as he peered down at Ted beneath him, damp forehead and eyes squeezed closed as he whined and babbled about how good it was. How much he wanted it. 

Bill hadn’t ever felt as good at fucking someone as he did at that exact moment. Nor had he ever felt as good in himself, because while Jo quite obviously enjoyed herself, that had all fallen a little bit short when he realised that perhaps he didn’t really like babes all that much, and despite how much he had liked his ex-wife, she was a babe. Not a dude. The conversation about it had been probably the worst moment of his life, the strange look in Jo’s eyes which was half understanding and half upset as he had fumbled out that while he definitely felt a surge of happiness when he looked at her...He didn’t really feel anything close to arousal.

It was so different with Ted though. So much so that tears caught at the corners of his eyes, washing his vision with wetness, because this was how it was meant to be? All this time and he’d been so happy with Jo, she’d been the best pal in the whole world, and the best mom to walk the planet but she hadn’t dredged up anything close to what he felt when he looked at Ted. Because that was the way it was supposed to be, you met a 15th century princess in England and because she was a girl, you fell in love and married her. 

Or something like that. 

But, that wasn’t the way he wanted anything, and he doubted it was what Ted wanted either with Lizzie. 

Somehow, he also doubted it was what the princesses wanted deep down either.

He made a note to call Jo later and tell her how much he loved her for not hating him for being in love with his best friend this whole time, because he was truly sorry, but he also just wanted her to be his friend still. 

The train of thought was lost a little as Ted reached up to tuck his clever fingers around Bill’s ears, drawing him in and mouthing over his lips. Getting them open enough that he could suck on Bill’s tongue, the words he was muttering against him getting lost in the wet cusp of it all, “B—Bill. _Shit_. S’good.” Which made Bill grin manically. 

“Is it?” He felt bold with Ted beneath him, “You like it?” 

Ted’s signature nod had never looked as good as it did as he nodded sharply and whined, “Yeah. Yeah, I like it.” His eyes as wide as saucers as he gazed up at Bill, the brown of them swimming and his neck splotched with red dots from where Bill had been sucking at him this whole time. Matching the suck marks on his own chest perfectly. 

He couldn’t stop himself from fucking Ted even harder then, the both of them devolving into grunting hotly into each other’s mouth until Bill could wrench himself back, staring down at where Ted’s hair was fanned across the pillow and brushed across his eyes. He looked so gorgeous. Better than gorgeous. Otherworldly with the way he could do anything and it would set something alight in the pit of Bill’s chest.

All it took after that was for Ted to arch his back and run the smooth palm of his hand across his cock, eyes sharp as he uttered to Bill, “Fuck. _Bill_. Keep going, please.” He paused for a breath that rushed out of him very suddenly, “Jesus. I think I love you.” And with that, Bill was grinding his cock so hard into him and coming deep inside him. Not hesitation in whether he wanted to pull out or not, because he didn’t want to, and if the way Ted moaned and fluttered his eyes shut was anything to go by, neither did he. 

He curled around Ted as he throbbed and pulsed wetly into him, his head butting into Ted’s shoulder and he could vaguely feel the way that Ted stroked his back. Letting Bill twitch into him and whine weakly into his skin as he pet the heated skin of Bill’s shoulder blades, his voice floaty as he cooed at him, “You’re so good, that fucking rocked. Perfect.” He sighed happily, clenching around Bill and after a low rumble of a groan he added, “You’re perfect. _Fuck_.” 

The answer that Bill gave him was a pathetic, lingering keen, his cock spent and oversensitive inside of Ted and when he clenched down on him it made his stomach wrap around itself tightly. The sensation that if he were maybe twenty years younger, he probably could have gotten hard again. Hard enough to fuck Ted all over again until he was weeping and clawing at the back of his neck, and when he brushed his mouth against Ted’s and brought that up, Ted made a noise that Bill had never heard out of him before. Even moments before when he’d been fucking him harder than he could have ever imagined he would fuck someone. 

Instead, he pulled out gently, watching as Ted’s face twitched and he cupped his own cock against his belly, making guilt flare up inside of Bill sharply, “I’m such an asshole, I’ve already come twice and you haven’t even come once.” 

Ted dragged his hand up his cock, lip caught between his teeth and looking less like a fifty year old dad and more like every fantasy that Bill had ever thought up when he was just turned twenty and realising that you could stick your dick into a guy, if you did it the right way. Lower thighs leading down to the curve of his ass shining with lube and in the back of his mind he registered that Ted was _holding his cum_ inside of him with the tightening of his ass. 

“Well.” Ted offered with heavy lidded eyes about Bill’s lamentation of him not even coming once, “You could do something about that.” 

Bill leaned down to suck him off so quickly he almost got whiplash, listening to Ted’s sighs as he pushed his fingers back into him as he bobbed his head on him. Feeling how wet he was inside and how it leaked onto his hand and down his wrist as he pressed against his prostate again, harder this time. Chasing Ted’s orgasm a little harder than he probably should have, but at this point, he knew that Ted could take it a little rough. Ted’s hands roamed over any bit of Bill’s hair that they could reach, until his cock bumped into the back of Bill’s throat, and with Bill’s curls tangled tightly in his fingers, he came down his throat. 

Ted’s thighs ached as he let go of him, knees falling apart as he starfished on the bed, face flushed as Bill dragged himself up to lie in the sweaty crook of his arm. Ted weakly leaned to the side to kiss whatever part of Bill’s face that he could reach, which for the most part was just the very top of his forehead, his hair tickling his mouth as he did it. It made Bill grin though, and when he glanced coyly up through his eyelashes at Ted, he enquired demurely, “Hey...Do you really think you love me?”

Ted didn’t have to think. He just nodded, “So much, dude.”

Bill beamed at him, wide, “Yeah. Like, same!” 

Triumphant post-sex air guitar-ing turned into post-sex making out for a good, long while. Until Ted had to relent and he grimaced as he said, “I think I need to go clean up. I feel...Damp.” Bill sniggering, but the pink returned to his cheeks nevertheless because _he did that_. 

The shower was hot and needed, Ted’s back kind of sore from being rammed into the bed, however soft it might have been. But the water and Bill’s hand rubbing at it did wonders, and in return he very carefully washed Bill’s hair, scrubbing at his scalp and watching the dreamy, faraway look it gave him, making Ted’s head cock to the side curiously. Bill just smiled up at him and chirped, “I’m so glad you’re good at that already. That means we can shower together all the time.”

“Dude! You’re right! _Awesome_.” Ted breathed back, one of his hands cupping Bill’s left pec as he spoke, confirming that: yes. He definitely _was_ a titty man now. As long as they were Bill’s titties. 

As Bill towel dried his hair carefully, Ted slid on a pair of clean boxers, a pair of soft pj pants and a shirt that looked just as old as he was, “I can go make coffee if you want, babe?” When he turned to face Bill, he had the towel grasped limply in his hands and a vaguely teary look on his face, as though that was something he had been waiting to hear all his life. 

Ted could understand that. 

“Did you just call me _babe_?” Bill said in a hushed voice, towel now clasped to his chest. 

“Uh.” Ted floundered, “Yeah? Did you not like it? I can call you something else if you wa—”

“No! No. I like it. You should do it more.” Bill ended the sentence with an added, “You can call me anything you want.”

Ted thought about that all the way down the stairs. Rolling a bunch of pet names through his head. 

_Angel. Baby. Sweetheart. Sunshine._

Anyone else he would have felt so, so stupid calling them any of those names, but with Bill, it just made his stomach flip. 

His stomach flipped in an entirely different way though when he rounded the corner of the kitchen from the stairs and found Billie sat at the table, eating a bagel with the biggest, smuggest smile he’d ever seen spread across their face. While Thea was stood with her hip against the counter just off to the side, shoving cereal from the box straight into her mouth. An equally smug smile on her face. 

Thea piped up before anyone else could say anything, “Hello... _N_ _ew dad_.” 

Immediately both her and Billie sniggered, the colour draining from Ted’s face as he murmured, “Please...Tone down the smugness till we’ve had coffee.”

Billie’s eyebrows raised, “Who is _we_?”

“Stop.” Ted muttered.

“Say it.” Billie replied, very matter-of-factly. 

Ted sighed, but he couldn’t keep the smile from his face as he said, “Me and your other, second dad.” 

That set off into motion a whole heap of air guitaring from the kids, Thea almost spilling cereal everywhere as she almost leapt into the motion of it. The sight of the two of them so thrilled about the two of them together actually almost drawing tears to his eyes, and Ted had to swipe his wrist across his eyes to stop them from prickling. 

It was even worse when Bill finally came down from upstairs, a pair of Ted’s sweatpants on and they were far too big, tied tight at the waist with the drawstrings to stop them from falling. An equally large shirt on his top half, the hemline of it falling somewhere mid thigh, which meant that also was Ted’s, but the whole outfit made him look so relaxed and soft. His whole body gravitating towards Ted’s as he shuffled into the kitchen, stopping dead when he noticed the kids there with them too. 

Thea’s nose wrinkled, “Eurgh. Don’t need to guess what you two have been doing this morning then I guess.” 

Bill’s face went red once more, “I don’t know what you’re saying.” 

“The hickies on dad’s neck do.” Billie supplied, then laced their fingers together underneath their chin and leered at them, “Okay, now kiss!” 

Ted was about to object, but then Bill leant up on his tip-toes and kissed him on the cheek, sending the kids into a riotous amount of yelping and screeching, none of it sounding particularly human.

It felt more than natural after that to all settle down at the table and have a late breakfast together, Bill’s eyes lighting up when Billie thrust their phone at the two men to show them that Jo and Lizzie had texted the huge family group chat they had. Mostly just to say they were happy for Bill and Ted, and that they were enjoying Italy but would be back soon to visit the kids. 

Neither Bill nor Ted needed to ask why and when the kids had texted their moms about them being together, mostly they were just relieved neither of them had to do it. 

Halfway through eating, Bill smudged Ted’s elbow and he swung his head from where he was eating cereal to gaze at him as Bill mumbled, “My most esteemed Ted?”

“Yeah, Bill?” Ted was already grinning.

“I think this might be our most excellent adventure yet.”

Ted just grinned and reached over to squeeze Bill’s hand in his own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello i hope you enjoyed my stupid old men in love fic!!
> 
> pwease leave some kudos and comment if you did!
> 
> u can find me:
> 
> twitter: cowboywav  
> tumblr: cowboyism


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